Wednesday, July 26, 2006

America .... Fuck Yeah!!!

Being in Europe made me appreciate America a hell of a lot more. First of all, we have a huge and beautiful country with high-class amenities, the greatest universities in the world and fucking reasonable people (yes, compared to Euro-nationalists, we're generally reasonable). Americans are more open-minded than Europeans. And, further, all Euros do is bitch and complain about how we give ourselves the "license" to bomB (a hard "b" there) places. It made me mutter, "Amerrrrrrickkkkaaa ... fuck yeah" a lot under my breath.

First of all, if they weren't such righteous douchebags who went around mass-murdering each other and then crying to the press about it, we wouldn't have to bomB their sorry countries. Second, America is a convenient enemy. We're not around. We have The Power. We're the Evil Ones. Convenient beliefs considering that Europe has given us a few healthy spasms that could all be dubbed "holocaust." It, finally, came to my attention that America has it bad both ways. Either we stay out (Sudan, Rwanda, etc.) and people hate us for not intruding in their affairs. Or we intrude (Bosnia, Kosovo, etc.), and people hate us for being imperial invaders. One note: I think its hard to see the subtleties of realpolitik when you're being bombed and easy to say "can't you see the strategy here people!" when you're sitting in your living room watching Jets-Giants and eating a whole goddammed bag of Lay's BBQ chips.

But, I don't intend on this Blog being political only because America has two great things that Eastern Europe apparently doesn't.

1. Toilet paper
2. Fruit

And, you can easily see how the two go hand-in-hand or mouth-to-ass to be more correct. First of all, I don't know 'bout London or Berlin or Paris, but Athens and Greece in general has the most god-awful toilet paper this side of Zanzibar. In sum: they use paper towels as toilet paper. No joke. Literally, it's just a mini-sized roll of paper towel. You'd have to go to a San Francisco S&M party on Halloween to do as much damage to your ass as this shit does. I mean, seriously, it's fucking horrible. It made my number one reason why I don't wanna go to prison far more immediate and visceral.

Secondly, the fruit thing. My Serbian roommate related to me that when he gets sick he just "eats a lot of lemons." I was like, "whuh?" He was like, "you know, for the Vitamin C." I didn't have the heart to tell him about oranges. Even in Germany, real fruit juice is rare. I know that we Americans are used to drinking Snapple and Minute Maid and calling it juice, but we also have actual juice. Tropicana, for one, is a staple of every household. In Greece, I saw people pouring powdered Vitamin C into water. In Germany, I bought a 12 oz. of OJ that advertised its Vitamin C content like a whore advertises her wares. I think the closest thing to juice I drank in Greece was, and I'm not kidding, Fanta. No joke. Seriously.

Yes, they had watermelon there and shitty little apricots. And, sure, they had fresh veggies aplenty and nice olive oil. But the lack of oranges and apples really made me miss the good ole' US of A. People can fucking eat good, healthy fruit in America. In Greece, its bottled water and watermelon: basically the same shit.

This further speaks to the food choices there. There was a good Italian meal eaten on my last night, but generally Greece is not a place that I would tout for its great food. I had a decent Greek salad there, some very good but repetitive veggie gyros, and some decent fish and tzatziki sauce. But, I'm used to eating Chinese for lunch, Italian for dinner, and American staples throughout the day. The variety wasn't there. And the exorbitant prices (everything cost at least the same price as in America, only in euros), kinda put a damper on gorging your face with dry cheese pies, subpar pizza, and $2 11oz. Cokes.

In conclusion, if Euros want to diss on America, I don't mind. After all, their countries are lacking in a few creature comforts that Americans will never let go of: toilet paper, fruit, and, oh yeah, jobs.


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