Dick Vitale’s Preseason Guide to the Middle East 2006-07

Hey everybody!!! It’s ME, DICKIE V., BABBYYY!!!! Here to run down my Top Ten choices for next year’s MIDDLE EAST!!! Now, I think this could be the BEST SEASON EVER, BABY!!! WE’RE TALKIN’ 1967, ISRAEL CUTTIN’ DOWN THE NETS, BABBYY!!! OR 1978 CAMP DAVID ACCORDS!!! I’M TALKIN’ ANWAR SADAT AND MENACHEM BEGIN BABBEEEEE!!!!

1) Israel/Duke—These guys have been powerhouses in the Middle East forever, baby!!! I mean, since 1948. Christian Laettner, Grant Hill, Elton Brand, David Ben-Gurion!!!! THESE ARE HOUSEHOLD NAMES, BABYY!!!! Now, they’ve got some major contenders for the first time in a long time!!! I’m not talkin’ 1990s Palestinian militant groups, we’re talkin’ IRAN, HEZBOLLAH, HAMAS, AL-QAEDA!!! IT’S GONNA BE EXCITING, BABY!!!! But, don’t count out the top dogs in the Middle East. The Blue Devils. They’ve got the best force in the Middle East: disciplined, advanced, technologically sound, and honed by years of practice. I’M TALKIN’ THE IDF, BABY!!!! But they also got some questions, some real diaper dandies they’re gonna have to lean on. I’m talkin’ Josh “Ehud Olmert” McRoberts and Defense Minister Amir “The Microwave” Peretz! They got all the TOOLS TO DOMINATE, BUT WILL THEY DO IT!!! WILL THEY FULFILL THEIR POTENTIAL??!!! AND WILL THEY BE ABLE TO MAKE UP FOR THE LOSS OF THEIR LEADER, JJ “ARIEL SHARON” REDDICK??!!! I mean, that guy could ball. He could crush A HOUSE AS EASILY AS HE COULD WRECK A CITY BLOCK. Terrorists had nothing on this guy, BABY!!!! He was a HORSE!!! But, let’s not forget they’re still coached by the best in the biz: I’m talkin’ Mike Kryzewski/THE JEWISH PEOPLE BABY!!! SMART, STRONG, SEASONED. THESE GUYS HAVE IT ALL AND THEY DOMINATE YEAR AFTER YEAR!!! BUT WE’LL JUST HAVE TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS ‘CAUSE THERE ARE SOME NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK….
2) Iran/UNC—Can you say “THE NEW GAMAL ABDEL NASSER”?!!! I’M TELLIN’ YOU I COULDA SWORN WE WERE IN 1965! THE ARABS ARE BACK, BABY!!! AND IT’S SHI’ITES THIS TIME THAT ARE MAKIN’ WAVES. Let me tell you, something: this kid MAKMOOD AKMADINEJAD IS SOMETHING ELSE, BABY!!! I’M TALKIN’ THE SECOND COMING OF JORDAN, BABY!!! AND HE’S MAKING SOME MAJOR WAVES ACROSS TOBACCO/OIL ROAD!!! THE RIVALRY IS BACK, BABY!!! This isn’t just about Tarheels v. Devils, this is PERSONAL, BABY!!! I’M TALKIN’ EXISTENTIAL CONFLICT!!! AND IRAN/UNC’S GOT IT ALL!!!! CRAZY PRESIDENT, RELIGIOUS ISLAMIST IN POWER, A NUCLEAR DETERRENT ON THE WAY, AND A 70 MILLION STRONG POPULATION!!!! And the US/UConn is NOWHERE TO BE FOUND!!! I MEAN, THEY’RE SUSPENDED FOR THE YEAR DUE TO THE WHOLE IRAQ MESS!!! IT’S WIDE OPEN FOR IRAN, BABY!!!!!
3) Hezbollah/LSU—These guys have some major length, great guerilla athleticism, and have you seen their blowupability?! It’s EXPLOSIVE, BABY!!!! These guys are anchored by Glenn “Big Baby” Hassan Nasrallah underneath. And I mean UNDERNEATH!!! These guys have more down-low players than the Florida Gators, BABY!!! WE’RE TALKIN’ A NETWORK OF TUNNELS BABY!!! But, don’t believe that they’re just some athletic knuckleheads that can only dunk some bombs into Kiryat Shmona. THESE GUYS GOT SOME MAJOR RANGE, BABY!!! I’M TALKIN’ ROCKETS TO HAIFA, BABY!!!! Can they take down the Big Middle East powerhouses? I don’t think so. But, these DIAPER DANDIES are gonna MAKE SOME NO-OISSSEEE!!! BACK TO THE GLORY DAYS OF SHAQ O’NEAL AND BOMBIN’ THE MARINE BARRACKS FOR THESE LSU/HEZBOLLAH MILITANTS, BABY!!!!
4) Al-Qaeda/Villanova—Now, first, a bit of sorrow. You know, college basketball/the Middle East isn’t all about knockin’ up chicks and hittin’ bricks. There’s also some REAL LIFE DRAMA. I’M TALKIN’ THE DEATH OF ABU MUSAB ZARQAWI, BABY!!! AS THE SONG GOES, “YYYYY-ONNNNLLLEEE THE GOOD DIE YOUNG!” That’s a real shot to these up-and-comers. I mean, Zarqawi was a real PTPer. AND SO EXPLOSIVE!!! He could blow up a UN HQ in Baghdad as easily and whimsically as he could DEVASTATE A WEDDING IN JORDAN!!! I mean, range, explosiveness, we’re talkin’ THE TOTAL PACKAGE, BABY!!!! But, these guys still have some major IDEOLOGICAL HEADS, BABY!!! We’re talkin’ OSAMA BIN-LADEN: PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER 1. And some major SENIOR MUSCLE DOWN LOW WITH AYMAN ZAWAHIRI. Let’s not forget what they did to MADRID, LONDON, AND NEW YORK, NEW YORK, BABY!!! THESE GUYS ARE SOME MAJOR PTPERS!!! DON’T COUNT THEM OUT.
5) Iraq/Michigan—The US/UConn came in here and they were like, WE’RE GONNA TAKE ANN ARBOR!!! AND NOT ONLY THAT, THEY’RE GONNA LIKE IT!!!!!! GUESS WHAT?! They got TOOK!!!! I mean, they’re still stuck in al/ann-ANBAR PROVINCE, BABY!!!! For all intents and purposes, THEY’RE OUT OF THE RUNNING!!!! NOW, THIS ISN’T THE IRAQ OF JALEN “TARIQ AZIZ” ROSE AND CHRIS “SADDAM” WEBBER. Not close. BUT, WE STILL GOT SOME MAJOR TERRORISTS HERE!!!! I’M TALKIN’ A 3-YEAR INSURGENCY VS. THE US AND STILL GOING STRONG!!!! Problem is, the country’s pretty unstable. Too many ILLEGAL OUTSIDE DONATIONS WRECKING THE PROGRAM. PLUS, HOW ABOUT THIS CRAZY SUNNI-SHI’ITE DIVIDE??? You can’t field a team that’s always AT EACH OTHER’S THROATS. Now, they could be a force, or they could just be enough TO NEUTRALIZE US/UCONN, WHICH IS MORE THAN ENOUGH!!!
6) Egypt/Texas—This ain’t your father’s Egypt, BABY!!! BUT, THEY STILL HAVE THE BIGGEST POPULATION IN THE MIDDLE EAST AND CAN DEFINITELY MAKE SOME NOISE!!! BUT, they’re not gonna sponsor terror or fight Israel. We’re talkin’ GOOD OLE’ FASHIONED DIPLOMACY, BABY!!! Problem is, these guys have some major problems. MUBARAK IS GETTIN’ OLD AND THE MUSLIM BROTHERHOOD IS STILL AROUND DESTABILIZING!!! Egypt could do some good for itself by using its connections, its veteran savvy to quell some Mideast tension, but they’re not gonna knock off Israel or Iran. AS I SAID, THE SHI’ITES ARE ASCENDANT BABBBBYYYY!!!!
7) Hamas/Gonzaga—THESE UP AND COMING DIAPER DANDIES HAVE THEIR OWN PARLIAMENT NOW, BABBYYY!!! I’M TALKIN’ DEMOCRATICALLY ELECTED ISLAMIST GOODNESS. But, they’re not gonna be sneakin’ up on anyone anymore. The days of Turiaf, Morrison, and Yahya Ayyash are over, BABY!!!! SAD TO SAY!!! BUT, THIS HAS GONE FROM A MID-MAJOR IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE TO A REAL PROGRAM, BABY!!!! AND IT ALL STARTED WITH THE SWEET SIXTEEN!!! We’re talkin’ AL-AQSA INTIFADA, BABY!!! Problem is, with so many other players in the region, these guys are old news. BETTER LUCK NEXT YEAR, ZAGS!!!
8) Saudi Arabia/Syracuse—The days of ‘Melo, DC, and even Hakim Warrick are long gone. THE SAUDI DYNASTY IS WANING. BUT!!!! THEY STILL CAN MAKE A LOT OF NOISE WITH PETE CARRILL’S WAHHABI ISLAM SYSTEM. You see, these guys don’t have the athleticism, the length, or the hops of some of the other big programs. But, they’ve got the savvy. We saw Pete Carrill’s system work with Princeton to perfection, AND NOW IT’S WORKIN’ FOR THE SACRAMENTO/SAUDI KINGS!!! These guys have ideology/game plan up the wazoo. Problem is, they gotta use a lot of DIPLOMACY these days to beef up their tarnished image. They still got the money, and the system that fuels craziness EVERYWHERE, AND, OF COURSE, ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN. BUTT!!!! I DON’T SEE IT HAPPENING FOR THE SAUDIS THIS YEAR.
9) Syria/Indiana—The days of Bob Knight/Hafez al-Assad are over. SAD TO SEE HIM GO!!! LIKE LEN BIAS AND HANK GATHERS BEFORE HIM, HE DIED TOO YOUNG!!! HAFEZ, COME BACK!!! Now, we got Bashar Asad. He’s OK. A real 7-footer. BUT, HE’S ONE OF THESE SOFTIES THAT LIKES TO SHOOT FROM THE OUTSIDE!!! I’M TALKIN’ PROXY WAR WITH ISRAEL, BABY!!!! But, this could bite him in the ass. The folks in Bloomington may be in for a BIG SURPRISE IF THE DUKIES/ISRAELIS DECIDE TO BRING THE SMACKDOWN!!! I think Indy would be better off building back its program with solid (economic) fundamentals, rather than messin’ with the big boys quite yet!!!
10) Lebanon/Georgia Tech—THESE ARE SOME REAL DIAPER DANDIES: WE’RE TALKIN’ FLEDGLING DEMOCRACY, BABYYYY!!!! But, the Siniora government is in big trouble. This isn’t the Tech/Lebanon of Kenny Anderson, this is a much weaker but potentially hot team. Problem is, they let Hezbollah DESTABILIZE THEIR ENTIRE TEAM!!! Bad idea. Now, they have the Blue Devils to deal with. WILL THESE GUYS TURN OUT TO BE A BEACON TO A NEW DEMOCRATIC MIDDLE EAST???!!! OR WILL THEY FALL APART AGAIN??? AND WHAT ABOUT BEIRUT???!!!! IT’S THE NEW INDIANAPOLIS, WHERE THE FINAL FOUR WILL BE HELD!!!! OH, MAN, I’M TOO EXCITED!!! THIS YEAR IN THE MIDDLE EAST IS GONNA BE FAN-TASTIC, BABBYYY!!!